I got my date! November 12th, 2010... The day that it could possibly, maybe, hopefully all change. The question is how do I focus on anything but the date until then??? And what is safe to hope without building myself up to fall?
I've said since the beginning that all I'm looking for is to halt the progression of this crazy train, which is true. However, day after day I see the amazing outcomes that some of my MS friends are having from this procedure and my mind starts to race and my heart starts to beat faster and I dare to think; could that be me? Could that outcome be part of my story? PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE WITH SPRINKLES ON TOP. And so the expectation train starts to build momentum and I try to squelch it and halt it in its tracks- to the best of my abilities anyway, I am human after all.
People keep asking me what I want to do after surgery if everything goes in the "best" case direction. This question is fair, but a bit of a shovel full of coal being slung into the old choo choo train heading to disappointment-ville. The truth is, I haven't let myself go there that much. But I'd be lying if I told you I haven't let my mind go there at all. The truth is I want to be able to go hiking with my dog. I wanna ride my bike. I'd like to go skiing again cause I think I'm not done with that one. I want to wash my dishes without it fatiguing me like crazy! I would like to wake up in the morning and feel more rested than when I went to bed the night before... I do want from this procedure.
I guess the real truth is that I'm willing to settle for no more progression and a healthy vascular system... But what would you be if you didn't have little hopes, little glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel? There are so many things that I used to do and took totally for granted that I know if I did receive back, I wouldn't. I would revel in the extra moments of energy I might get back. I would love to be able to write or speak and express myself as clearly as I know I'm capable of without searching or pausing trying to find a word. I would walk my dog extra long and do tai chi and yoga without feeling clumsy and unsure of my balance and where abouts. I'd love it if I didn't have to know where all of the free bathrooms in the city are located in order to avoid embarrassing accidents. I'd love to meet a guy and not wonder what he thinks of my cane and when I should bring up the whole MS thing... Or heck go to an interview and pray they don't pass me by based on that elephant in the room.
Do I have my date? YES! Am I excited? You better believe it! Do I have hopes in regards to healing? Obviously... Am I for all intents and purposes still humanly scared and worried? Yeah... I sure am. My whole life I've been concerned with not disappointing people and I have to tell you, since you've become apart of this journey with me... I really don't want to let anyone down. And so with all of that said, I guess the best way to sum up what I'm feeling and thinking is to simply say I reserve the right to be skeptically optimistic. And so it is.